hush, hush, and rock

Oh sad music and livejournal, this is what you do to me. Can a song, can a memory be untangled from all the mess? It was not a mess at the time, it was fun at the time, it was good at the time. And the mess unraveled later. Which makes it kind of worse. To think back to what you thought was something and know that it was something else entirely. You feel kind of cheated and naive and silly. Like a little kid being teased by someone older for not knowing something that one should already know. I listen to this song and it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard and all I want to do is sink into it and lose myself completely but then there is the memory. There is the apprehension and the thoughts about when and where and what was going on then but you didn't know. And its all tied up so you can't even hear the song, you can't even listen to it. You can't fall in, and completely be there. You just keep thinking, which shouldn't be happening at all. And I realize that happiness really is tied to delusion. I can sit around all day and all night, losing myself in thought over it because it is just that great to even think about. I can make believe. I can enjoy the moments for what I want them to be, what I would like them to be. Then the more I think about what is, reality...I can't even explain the feeling. Something like a nauseous stomach, a twist inside, wanting to throw up even though you know you won't...I don't even want to attempt to experience it right now to try and explain it because it is just that unsettling and maddening. But don't we all do this to ourselves? Didn't I do this to myself? Don't I continue to do this to myself? I just fear that the opposite would be much more maddening. Or would it?

Please vote for my photobook so I can win cool things. :)

And I promise to start posting more often.

I am trying to have a relaxing time at work with my web surfing and my Beach House and my cranberry blood orange tea but the goddamned boy sitting across from me is ruining it all. He hits the keyboard with so much force that it shakes my computer. No rest.

So, one would think that I could sit somewhere separate and solve this situation. He always sits here. But, I like to here as well because I don't really have my back to anyone and have a good view of most of the room/people. I guess I shall try to just sit somewhere different. Poo.

Muahahahaha.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THIS makes me furious!

According to a news release yesterday from the Family Foundation, Martin Cothran, senior policy analyst for the foundation, wants the university to produce one faculty member who is in support of Kentucky Marriage Amendment.

The Kentucky Marriage Amendment, passed in 2004, makes it unconstitutional for the Commonwealth to recognize or perform same-sex marriage or civil unions. The amendment passed with 75 percent approval of voters.

"More Kentuckians voted to pass the Marriage Amendment in 2004 than had ever voted both 'yes' and 'no' combined on any other constitutional amendment in the history of the Commonwealth," Cothran said, "yet the school continues to completely ignore the wishes of the people it serves."

I want to punch something.

I'm currently obsessed with "One Chance" by Modest Mouse. I just want to listen to it over an over again. I recently had listening binges with "Rubber Traits" by Why? and "Sweet Talk" by Dear and the Headlights. I get addicted then just can't stop listening.

I'm actually going to try to cook something tonight. I should be doing it right now because I'm hungry and my stomach will most likely be angry with me when I do eventually eat but oh well. I got some Zataran's, including jambalaya with cheese which I plan to make with some chicken. I hope it comes out well. I supposedly burned some scrambled eggs into my pan or something. Woopsy.

I have a couple close friends I've asked this question but it still bothers me so I will ask again: Is it wrong to hang out with someone in order to hang out with someone else? These two friends have said no but I still feel weird about it. I know I will continue to hang out with this friend in hopes of hanging out with this other person so I suppose dwelling on it is superficial. I don't know if 'superficial' is the right way to describe that though. Whatever. I just feel like I'm using someone and I don't want to use people. There aren't many other things that disgust me more than seeing someone being used by someone else. Yes, there are extents and degrees and certain circumstances but when it's blatant and apparent then it's dehumanizing. I can't stand it.

So then what am I doing? I enjoy hanging out and talking with this friend. Or am I just saying that to make myself feel better? No. I do enjoy spending time with them. I guess I feel like I have an ulterior motive now. Hm. I have admitted my interest in this person to said friend though. I think I actually admitted it to multiple peoples this weekend at a party that said friend invited me to, which I had a great time at. I love it when there is the right combination of people I know and people I don't know at a party - there is enough familiarity so I can be comfortable yet still meet new people. But maybe it was the alcohol that induced the comfort. I did have ten beers that night. Over a three or four hour period though. I definitely woke up hungover though. Though though though.

But yes, it was a very good weekend indeed. Many friends, many new people, much bike riding, music, beer, other intoxicants, sleep.

They made the summer schedule at WRFL for radio shows and mine will be Thursday nights, 10:00pm to midnight which is really awesome. It makes me happy. Happy as a bunny. If bunnies really are happy.

I got a Spanish exam back today that I thought I did HORRIBLE on and ended up getting an 87. I like that this has been happening to me lately. Last week I got a philosophy exam back that I wasn't really sure about and actually had an 89. Yay yay yay.

I suppose my financial situation is the only thing to be really worried about. But I'm not. There is a great quote from "Into The Wild" that goes, "My days were more exciting when I was penniless..." True dat. Yes, it does suck to no be able to do the things I want (like got to a bunch of shows this week) because I don't have enough money but I'll get over it. I'm looking forward to working more this summer and saving up. Also, buying things. I need to get a new camera since I have to give David's back. Well, I don't NEED to get a new one but I'd really like an all-manual one. I just fell in love with the style. I gots to get one.

Oh, look, I made an entry and it wasn't two months after the last one. Woot.

Oh, livejournal it has been far too long. I have nothing epic to say, just recent goings-on.

I saw Smart People last night and it was so good. Ellen Page has my heart forever and ever. It was a very spontaneous movie going experience. I didn't even know if the movie was out, so I googled it, google asked me for my zip code for local showtimes, I copied and pasted that to Alison's wall, took a nap, woke up to a voicemail from her saying we should go, called her, and we left an hour or so later. It sounds very simple when I write it out and read it back like that but in reality it was almost magical.

I have a sore throat and I don't know why. I thought I had strep throat a little while ago and went to the clinic and they gave me the antibiotics and I took all of them and I still have a sore throat. Phewy. I also went to the clinic last week for physical therapy only to be turned away because I hadn't been there in so long. Now I have to go back to the sports medicine doctor I saw at the student clinic and get a new script or something or other. So my shoulder has been in a little more pain than usual lately. Although it doesn't feel as bad today as I thought it would feel.

My kitchen is a messsssssssss. A goal for today is to clean that shit. So many dirty dishes. Dirty counters. Trash, trash, trash. I also want to watch Finding Forrester today. And later I am going to see Wax Fang at The Dame and that should, as always, be awesome. It's also nice to be around friends on nights when I'm usually not, like Sunday nights.

I don't know if it's because of the classes I'm taking or because I'm only taking twelve hours or pure luck but it seems like everyone else if freaking out about stuff to do for school and I have nothing to do. Like, I have a spanish composition due by the end of the week and I may do it today just because I have that little to do. I have no more online spanish homework to worry about. No more online personality psych homework to worry about. I just need to worry about studying for finals, attending class (which I've been AWESOME at), and that's pretty much it. I'm concerned about my grades in philosophy and spanish, I may get a C instead of a B. But I'm pretty sure I can pull off a B in both. And if I get one C I think my Dad would still let me stay. Especially because I think I'll get at least one A, maybe two.

It's really weird that there's only three weeks left in the semester. It seems like it's all going by so fast. I can't believe that I'm going to be a fucking senior. I feel like a wise, seasoned college student. But only when I compare myself to younger people that I've met.

I wonder what this summer will be like. I can imagine it being really exciting or terribly boring. I'm thinking about applying for the Summer Environmental Writing Program here. It's a course that involves going to Robinson Forest for a couple weeks where you stay in cabins, take hikes, and write. It counts as both a creative writing and an environmental studies credit and you can list it on your resume as proof of engagement with writing and ecological interests. The only qualms I have with it is that it may possibly interfere with other things that may pop up and I don't really know if anyone I know will be involved with it too. But those are kind of silly excuses. The application deadline is May 1st so I got some time to contemplate.

Oh, I've written quite a lot. Until a later time.

So I just had two girls in a row, who I do not know, friend me on facebook. One was in Louisville and this other girl I actually kinda KNOW OF but I've never talked to her or anything in RL. So I ignored them and sent them both a message saying I don't really friend people who I don't know. I feel kinda bad. This is understandable, right? I mean, I feel super awkward if I see someone-on campus or whatever- that I'm friends with on facebook and barely talk to them (if at all). I can't imagine not even knowing someone. I don't know. Advice? Comments? Help? Anyone? Bueller?

My show went so fantastically last night. Lots of call ins and such. Great. Wonderful.

Someone planned a party for the same night that I'm having my birthday party and I don't really know what to do. Like, a party that invited a lot of the same people that I did. I'm hurt. And I kinda feel like I'm in high school.

I got two of my tests from last week back today and I got Cs on both of them. A high one and a low one. Le sigh.

I'm afriad I'm getting really self-absorbed.

1. I want to start a band named Tree Debris.
2. I think I'm sick.
3. For the first time in my college career I'm taking twelve hours.
4. I've been getting physical therapy for my shoulder at the clinic. It's getting better but I need to be doing more of the home exercises.
5. My tummy hurts and I don't know why.
6. I hope there will be a time when I don't get so nervous before going on the radio. I wish I could just relax.
7. I love love love french vanilla flavored black tea.
8. I just found out that some dude in Uruguay was using my debit card number to buy porn. I always noticed a strange transaction that wasn't familiar. I've overdrafted a couple of times because of it and yesterday when it happened again my dad investigated. He knows a manager at the bank so he was able to get answers. When I called and told them about it they just said it wasn't a large enough amount to file a police report. I hate that shit. So I'm gonna get a new card and number or whatever. Creepy stuff.
9. My new boss at work is not as good as the old one. I like the old one better. The new one is annoying.
10. I feel like so much of my life revolves around music. I don't know what to think about this.